1. Unmet Expectations and Self-centeredness
Long, long ago when Suan Lee met Rex…
“He was bleached blond by the sun and surf, he carried his board under his arm and …mm you should see his six- pack body! He was such a go getter too, he knows what he wants and he gets it done straight away.”
“She was an oriental beauty in a mysterious sort of way, fun and adventurous, creative too…”
These days…
“He’s still got his six-pack body, carries his board under his arm and…mm he is so fast-paced I feel like I’m married to a hurricane. Here I am holding onto its tail calling out, ‘wait for me!!’…”
“She’s still gorgeous and fun…well kind of forgetful and disorganized…”
Why do relationships begin to sour?
We have all experienced disappointment when our ‘hero’ or ‘damsel’ seemed more like our ‘enemy’, the sight of slinky tights stretching out to baggy track pants, the sound of giggles to shrilly niggles.
Couples have expectations of each other that cannot all be met.
We have expectations of each other about finance and security, spiritual growth, character development, intimacy, problem solving, balance of work and home time, the list goes on. Some expectations are unrealistic or too high leading to dissatisfaction in each other.
Lies we believe: “You don’t deserve to be unhappy”
I (Suan Lee) enjoy Fairy Tales and romantic comedies. These make believe stories are steeped in the myth of ‘Happily ever After’. So when Rex transforms from my mythical Prince Charming to being human, he disappoints my expectations of how married life should be! Rex grew up in a ‘50s home and his Mum is a fantastic homemaker who irons almost everything…then he married me. You can guess the rest. Rex held on to myths influenced by songs like “Love will keep us together”, “All you need is love...”
We cannot address all the solutions here, like we do in our Day to Treasure seminars.
In reality, we can’t change the other, only ourselves. We have our conscience and Holy Spirit’s conviction to nudge us. Sometimes when I feel hurt by something Rex said, I ask the Holy Spirit to talk to him directly instead of me having to bring it up. I can tell you it works! The other reality is all of us have selfish tendencies. We put our needs above theirs.
A true view of our spouse is that he/she are a gift from God Gen 2:22 says God presented her to the Man. Gift is precious and easy to lose if we don’t value it.
No one person can fulfill our my expectations, take them to God.
Things you can do:
Make new friends, develop deeper friendships with same gender as you. Find someone mature you can confide in.
Take up new activities and hobbies. Do courses to develop you. One sure way to cure self-centeredness is to have kids. If you don’t have one, borrow some! Offer to baby-sit kids. Their parents will love you and the kids will drive your selfishness away!
Have a ‘Count your Blessings’ date – make a list of blessings each on a date night and share it.
2. Comparisons
When we compare what we have with others like ‘keeping up with the Jones’ it leads to dissatisfaction in our lives. It’s the “if only” syndrome in relationships.
I (Suan Lee) love romantic novels and movies. The hero never fails to be incredibly good-looking, a high flyer and very smart. He is macho and sensitive, a man’s man but good cook, rich but selfless, shed a tear at intimate times. Rex is still looking for the perfect woman who always agreed with him.
Lies we believe- “if only… I had what Luke has, I’d be happier” “If only I sound like Suzie on radio, I’d be happier.”
If only I had ….that house, that TV, that lifestyle, that body she has, or he has, that holiday, that marriage, even I’d be happy.
The reality is the grass is greener on the other paddock but on close up, there are bald patches close! We don’t know what others are like behind closed doors.
When married life becomes a hard slog, the grass of ‘divorce’ seems greener and happier. Statistics show that 80% who divorce remain unhappy!
Staying married requires skills. It’s ironic that plumbers license takes 4 years of training, but none are needed for a marriage license! Couples who are living together still face the same issue of two people getting along.
Tips: Replace comparisons with thankfulness.
List 5 things about your spouse that you can be thankful for right now. Write it out and give it to your spouse.
3. Career and Activity Affair
Today’s talk is on the Biggies in marriage – Extra marital affairs. There are many types of affairs, not only love affair.
Definition of an affair: ‘an escape from reality or a search for fulfillment outside of marriage.’ We will look at several types of affairs in the next two weeks.
Career Affair: workaholics fall in this category. At least you get paid for having a career affair, those who have Activity affair do it voluntarily! Luke admits to bordering on having a sports affair in front of the TV. His solution was to join Suzie in his football dream team so she is included in his ‘affair’! A person can be so busy in life running around doing voluntary work, going to cafes, gym, driving kids to activities. I admit I am one of those who love hanging around in cafes reading and writing. Rex carries his ‘mistress’ under his arm to the surf.
How career/activity affair happens-
We get satisfaction from achievement and the affirmation and esteem from work or activities. Or, being involved outside the home can be a relief from lack of success at home.
Lies we believe – “you’re a failure , you will never make it” so we pursue success/rewards where we can get it, especially if the home is not going well.
Tip: Stop the drift – make a date as an appointment with spouse on your organizer, make another appointment for a family day out. Dwell on positives when together. Say No to outside activities FOR home activities.
An emotional barometer is to ask ourselves, “Am I pleasant to family at end of day or week?”
4. Love Affair
Talking about Love Affair on air is a weighty topic, there is no happy angle, people will be deeply hurt, and it’s the cause of many breakups.
When does an affair begin? It can begin with a chance meeting which perks the interest. It then develops to attempts in making opportunities to meet. Love affairs begin with casual chats to confiding problems with the person out side of your marriage. The emotional transfer can lead to a love affair.
Lies we Believe – “Nobody will find out”. This darkness, secrecy feeds the thrill. But in the end the truth always comes out and the pain is so much greater.
In our ministry, we have met couples who are trying to put their marriage together after the devastation of an affair.
This is a Letter from a wife whose marriage had been rocked by infidelity of her husband. This couple decided to stay together and make it work. This is part of her letter:
“Sometimes things just go too far and hurt too much. Forgiveness is always possible but how do you put it all back together again, even when forgiveness is present? I thank God everyday for the grace to live that day.”
We have witnessed many couples who have recovered from affairs. Their marriages have begun afresh again. Many have prevented affairs by having firm boundaries around their relationships. Luke and Suzie share their email address so they are open to each other’s correspondences. Rex and I avoid sharing long drives alone with opposite gender or having a meal with the opposite gender alone.
We encourage you to hang in there together and at least find out how you can recover your relationship by finding resources and counseling that can help you.
“My soul melts with heaviness; Strengthen me according to Your Word.” Ps 119:28
God’s Grace is sufficient for you because His power is made perfect in weakness.